so I'm 40 now. I'm not sure if/how I'm processing this. Maybe because I'm not working or don't have kids but I don't feel like I have a yard stick to measure myself against. I've been feeling a lot of melancholy lately but it doesn't seem like it's related to aging. There's been too much activity lately and I haven't had the time to be within my own head and decompress and I think it has allowed depression to claw its' way forward a bit. We went to Leavenworth with Alice & James and my dad, mom & Steve. I felt like Katie not coming was my own little bonus gift. When we got back Paul was on vacation then our friend Jymi was out visiting from Boston and the West coast-ish is on fire and the air quality plus the heat has been messing with me physically and even though the trips/visits were positive they were still a stress and I'm not sure I'm recovered yet. I'm having trouble articulating...anything. I want to put down an account of my birthday trip because it was awesome and also a comedy of errors but I don't have the emotional bandwidth at the moment. Ugh.