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A meditation on husbands
Jul. 8th, 2013 06:34 pmThe past few weeks I've been having a seriously rough time, mostly due to the fact that I've been without meds really for over a month but partly because we've been having surprisingly hot (for our area) weather. I've had to take my muscle relaxer/percocet combo before bed if I'm going to have any hope of sleeping, and then had to start getting up after an hour or so and taking more because the pain was just too much. I had been taking them about 30-45 minutes before going to be so it would have time to kick in, and then depending on how tired we are Paul & I will chat/snuggle in bed for another 30-45 minutes and by that time the "knock me out" aspect has worn off and I'm wired awake for most of the night. Now I take them right before we head upstairs and that seems to have taken car of things for the moment.
During the day though I've been having to drug up much more frequently and it...hurts my pride I guess is the best way to put it. I grew up so independent and "strong" that I still feel the need to tough things out for some reason. But Paul is just...it humbles me the way he handles things. He will do anything for me whether I ask him to/think I need it or not. The other day I broke down in the car when we got home; the idea of having to get out of the car just seemed beyond my abilities. I was so angry that there are people who know how the weather will effect them and how to adjust but my disease isn't working that way and there is so much I want to do but I don't have the energy or I hurt too badly and worst of all I feel like I'm a terrible wife. I can't keep the house as tidy or do the kitty box or run around and do stuff outside with him or whatever. He works all week, he shouldn't have to mop the kitchen too. But he said "let's get you inside, maybe you need to take your pills?" and I start to freak and protest and he says "Dr. Gorman said you might need to and that is what there are there for, to help you feel better. This isn't your fault, you're not in control of what this disease is doing to your body" Then he got me inside and hugged me and rubbed my back while I freaked out a little. I tried to tell him he's too good to me and he says "I'm your husband, it's my job! I take care of my wife" and said it like it was beyond normal, like "it's water, it's for drinking. That's it's job!"
Thing is though, that's not how I'm used to being treated by men. It is crazy to think the 4 years I spent with Stump can still somehow effect me 13 years into a healthy, loving relationship.but it does. Alice and I were talking about it the other day and she said "Knowing you now, I cannot believe you went through all that. It seems so crazy to me." And it does to me too. With all my social work/DV knowledge and study I understand the relationship better and have come to terms with it but the differences are really staggering. During the worst flare I had while married to Stump they still didn't know what was wrong with me and were just throwing pills at me in an attempt to narrow it down. (Keep in mind at this point Stump worked part-time for UPS while I worked 3-4 jobs, though his job at least had insurance) I had a somewhat impromptu appointment due to a med reaction or something and of course Stump came with because God forbid I leave the house without him. The doctor told me I was dangerously dehydrated and that I had to stay on the medication that was causing a good amount of side effects. He told me unless I was going from my bed to the bathroom I was not to get up for any reason for at least the next three days. So we got home and I got situated in bed and about 20 minutes later Stump comes upstairs. He said "I just checked the bank balance...I'm not sure we'll be able to pay all the bills this month and my parents can't lend us anything...can you call the temp agency and see if they have anything for you tomorrow?" Yep, an hour after being told in no uncertain terms that I was not to do so much as sit up for the next three days. And somehow this still colors my behavior, still makes me feel guilty about taking painkillers or receiving disability payments or even having someone help me down the stairs.
So now I work on appreciating what I have in my friends and my darling husband and that there are really no strings attached.
During the day though I've been having to drug up much more frequently and it...hurts my pride I guess is the best way to put it. I grew up so independent and "strong" that I still feel the need to tough things out for some reason. But Paul is just...it humbles me the way he handles things. He will do anything for me whether I ask him to/think I need it or not. The other day I broke down in the car when we got home; the idea of having to get out of the car just seemed beyond my abilities. I was so angry that there are people who know how the weather will effect them and how to adjust but my disease isn't working that way and there is so much I want to do but I don't have the energy or I hurt too badly and worst of all I feel like I'm a terrible wife. I can't keep the house as tidy or do the kitty box or run around and do stuff outside with him or whatever. He works all week, he shouldn't have to mop the kitchen too. But he said "let's get you inside, maybe you need to take your pills?" and I start to freak and protest and he says "Dr. Gorman said you might need to and that is what there are there for, to help you feel better. This isn't your fault, you're not in control of what this disease is doing to your body" Then he got me inside and hugged me and rubbed my back while I freaked out a little. I tried to tell him he's too good to me and he says "I'm your husband, it's my job! I take care of my wife" and said it like it was beyond normal, like "it's water, it's for drinking. That's it's job!"
Thing is though, that's not how I'm used to being treated by men. It is crazy to think the 4 years I spent with Stump can still somehow effect me 13 years into a healthy, loving relationship.but it does. Alice and I were talking about it the other day and she said "Knowing you now, I cannot believe you went through all that. It seems so crazy to me." And it does to me too. With all my social work/DV knowledge and study I understand the relationship better and have come to terms with it but the differences are really staggering. During the worst flare I had while married to Stump they still didn't know what was wrong with me and were just throwing pills at me in an attempt to narrow it down. (Keep in mind at this point Stump worked part-time for UPS while I worked 3-4 jobs, though his job at least had insurance) I had a somewhat impromptu appointment due to a med reaction or something and of course Stump came with because God forbid I leave the house without him. The doctor told me I was dangerously dehydrated and that I had to stay on the medication that was causing a good amount of side effects. He told me unless I was going from my bed to the bathroom I was not to get up for any reason for at least the next three days. So we got home and I got situated in bed and about 20 minutes later Stump comes upstairs. He said "I just checked the bank balance...I'm not sure we'll be able to pay all the bills this month and my parents can't lend us anything...can you call the temp agency and see if they have anything for you tomorrow?" Yep, an hour after being told in no uncertain terms that I was not to do so much as sit up for the next three days. And somehow this still colors my behavior, still makes me feel guilty about taking painkillers or receiving disability payments or even having someone help me down the stairs.
So now I work on appreciating what I have in my friends and my darling husband and that there are really no strings attached.
