"Your Love Will Be My Grave"

Jul. 21st, 2017 07:11 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Last night I had this dream that I was at The Old House with a variety of people, and as usual at that place, there was a sense of approaching danger.  Some people dressed in weird ragged dark robes had been seen on the edge of the property.  We had a lot of rifles and stuff, so we were getting ready for trouble.  After a while, a huge mob of Klanspeople (I am at a loss of what to call them, but you know which turds I mean) came tromping across our property, burning crosses and getting wild.  As we prepared to go to battle with them, I woke up.  The dream had a lot of detail, but It's faded out by now.

My next dream, I was in some huge, awesome game/comic store, and I had a money is no object situation of some sort.  I was buying new miniatures, and some massive expensive paint sets that I've always wanted.  Nothing too deep there, I suppose, but that's how it was.

Nothing much else to talk about I guess.  My folks are coming in from Canada soon.  Going to spend tonight and tomorrow getting things straightened up.  Got paid today, paying out my bills, one more month down.  Unless things go south (I am rather expecting that they might at this point), then I have about 5 months left of XL Hard Times, and 8 months left of L Hard Times.  Hoping to settle into a regular size M eventually.  If things do go poorly... Well... I hope I just go ahead and croak and get it over with.


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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Some days, I don't even know where to start.
Last night, I had this very detailed dream about a world where I had a twin or something, and we wore pink, and had chainsaws.  We were some sort of political crusaders, or revolutionaries or reality TV stars, or all of the above, or something.  We went around chainsawing things for justice, and pointing out the hypocrisy of the world.  We went through some whole campaign, and at the end, it was some weird stand off with some leader, on TV, and we were chainsawing my leg off to prove that he was a liar.  It all made some sort of sense at the time, I'm pretty sure.

After that, I had a dream about a place that was sort of like Venice, Italy, but more dark and grimy, possible underground, even.  Everything was a series of waterways, and you had to have a boat to get around.  I was minding my own business, when the area was attacked by some sort of big Cthulhu monster.  It looked like Bog C itself, but smaller.  Maybe a spawn or something.  It was lumbering down the waterway, wrecking things, then it would turn around, and patrol back, then do it again, in a sort of loop, the way video game monsters walk in patterns.

Lots of people were trying to stop it, and attacking it in all sorts of ways, but nothing was working.  I knew that I could stop it because i had special supplies, and knew the spell.  I had to dig through a chest, and find a rolled up bundle.  Inside there, was a sort of metal item shaped like a small electric megaphone, a bag of powder, some wood shavings, some paper, a steel bar with a ball on the end, some fuses, some small rubber plugs, and some balls made of some shiny silver metal.  I had to put the rubber plug in the bottom of the megaphone, then pour some powder, and tamp it down really firm with the metal rod.  Then I had to place a small layer of shavings, drop the metal ball in, more shavings, then pack it with paper.  After that, I turned it over, and stuck a fuse through the rubber plug.  

I had to get someone to let me use a boat to get out to the center of the waterway, which was challenging because I was some detested 3rd class citizen, and only more well off people had boats.  After a big pain in the ass, I finally managed to get out there.  When the creature came past, I had to yell "IA! IA!" to get it's attention, then when it looked at me, I had to shout "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" and that made it lumber towards me.  THEN, I had to point the megaphone at it, and light the fuse.  

The thing went off like a cannon and when the metal ball hit the creature, it did massive amounts of damage to it.  It was probably like 60% dead.  But I had to reload and do it all over again.  It was a slow process and I kinda had to scamper around while I tried to do it.  I ran up the strip of land in the middle of the waterway, and the creature lashed out at all the other people who had been ineffectively attacking it.  I was becoming a hero because I was stopping the thing, and as soon as I finally got rerloaded and did my incantations and lit my fuse..
. I woke up.

LATER, I had a dream about a house we used to live in.  In a round about way.  I was at some place that had food and arcade games.  Like a Chuck E Cheese's or something along those lines.  I was trying to play some goofy hero beat-em-up thing, but it wasn't working right, and kept switching to a different game.  I was trying to solve that by standing 20 feet away from it and gesturing wildly.  It seemed to be working, but then someone else came along and took over my game, so I went to sit on a stool and eat food.  As I sat, some strangers came to join me, and started asking me about "The Blaylock House".

I told them that yes, I used to live there, and yes, it was haunted.  I pulled out some weird big Ouija board and started telling them all about all kinds of stuff about the history of this haunted house, and this enchanted Ouija board that I got there.  The dream was a sort of mix between both narratives (me at the food place telling the history, and me during the history past, having the experience) from there on.  I know it had a lot to it, bu
t that's about all I can really quantify now.

I hate that I continue to feel so tense when things are going relatively smoothly.  It's not easy to trust it, because it's been shown time and time again that it could just implode at any moment, no matter what I do (or don't do).  That precedent makes it so that the tension carries over from one flare up to the next.  Which may be a failing on my part, but I don't know how much I can be blamed for having a direct response to the environment that has been created in spite of my efforts, but that's probably an entirely other branch of philosophy...

Idk, I guess it's just repeating myself endlessly, and either "stop whining, or do something about it", right?


the meat you work with

Jul. 19th, 2017 07:56 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Last night, I dreamed that the newborn baby of a family friend was kidnapped, and we had to organize a team up between a whole big diverse lot of super heroes and villains in order to get the baby back.  There was a lot to it, negotiation, phone tag, soothing super egos, and getting people on board to help.  But the details of it all are fading fast, so it only gets this small write up haha. 

The next dream I remember, I was sitting somewhere, and a sea lion about the size of a small ferret crawled onto my leg.  It was mottled with bright blue, and vivid red, divided by a gold flake sort of patina on it, metallic and reflective.  It sat on my leg for a bit and looked at me, then wiggled away in that flopping sort of crawl that they do on land.  I was sitting with and talking to someone during this, but I don't know who.

Over the missing last few days (I took a few days off work, to get some stuff done), I had a dream that I was a Pharaoh, and I had ultimate power over everything, and the only rule was that I was not allowed to force people to leave the book store.  I had a few others during those days, but  I am not remembering them at the moment.

I finished up with the magazine purge / button making portion of going through my stuff.  Need to get back to being focused on some progress in that area.  It was a side street that caused  me to derail a bit.

Aside from that, I guess I don't have much to say.  The usual up and down.  

floating stars

Jul. 13th, 2017 07:07 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Last night, I dreamed that I was at a body of water with someone, and the water was thick with life.  Almost a gelatin  of tadpoles, fish, and every living thing you can imagine being in the water.  We had been wanting to swim, but it was impossible because of this.  We started in the middle somehow, but made it to shore.  Once we got there, we sat at the edge where the waves met the land.  As we sat, we discovered that buried right under the sand, there was a raccoon nest.  In this world, raccoons somehow went into a stasis in a nest just underground until they were ready to come out.  Like the mothers planted the babies or something, I don't know.  We started digging one out, and when we got to him, he was surrounded by some colorful string type material, most of it purple.  We got him free, and he was totally domesticated, and pretty much like a loving kitten.  We started digging for more, and ended up with raccoons of all colors and patterns.  

I shifted out of that dream around that time.

In my next dream, I was at work, only it was a different world, as well.  I had to move over a few seats to my left, and someone else was taking my seat.  Most of the dream was just me moving my stuff, and attempting to get my new work station set up.  It had a lot of detail, but nothing much to talk about.

After that, I had a dream that I was driving in a car with someone, and we kept seeing all these cool oldschool trucks, except the wheels and drivetrains had all been replaced with treads and tracks.  The center of it was also on some kind of lift, so in addition to the tank sort of look of the things, they could also raise up high above the movement mechanism.  For some reason the streets near my house was swarming with them.  We talked about how cool it was, and also how expensive it must be.  We drove past a garage that was just churning them out.  we were going to stop and ask for info, bit something happened, and we ended up having to travel through some sketchy tunnels on foot instead.

The next dream, I was traveling a long distance with my family, and we kept stopping at a whole lot of different thrift stores, and I was getting increasingly nervous about being late to wherever we were going.  This one was maybe the most detailed of the lot, in that I saw so many different locations, and the vast amount of stuff that was in each store was all really intricate. I wish I could remember more of the specific narrative here, because there was a lot going on.

I sent a note to myself when I woke up from these, to help me remember, that way I could at least write down the basics.
I just had as quiet a day yesterday as possible.  After work, I ate a whole frozen pizza (well, I mean, I cooked it first).  I took a nap.  I played video games until bed time.  Nice and quiet, no problems, no issues.  Maybe I will do it again today.  Except I am out of pizza.  But something similar.


(no subject)

Jul. 12th, 2017 07:03 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Last night I had two different dreams.  

The first one, I was in school, and as I was sitting in a class, I looked over to my right, and you were sitting there.  It made me furious, because you have spent all these years hiding and avoiding me, and on the rare occasion that I found you, and tried to reach out, you have ignored me.  Of course, I don't know what else I should expect, since you ghosted me back years ago.  But in this dream, there you were, sitting there one row over.  I spoke to you, and you actually talked to me.  At some point in the class, you wrote something nice about me.  The part that makes me the most angry is that i somehow forgave you and all the years of you being a total fucking ass just melted away, and I loved you again.  Even after waking up, it still makes me angry.  Forgiving you without some really good answers and conversations about what happened is not only out of the question, but it makes me ashamed.  I am ashamed of dream me.  After that, I went to my locker and like 20 people were trying to break into it.  I opened it for them, and it was just filled with notes and details of a novel that I want to write.

That's really all I remember of that dream.  It's too much as is, and maybe on the other hand, not enough.

The next one, I was living in a place in a lush green forest.  The bottom floor was all one huge room with windows covering 3 sides.  It was an open living room / kitchen, with a porch all around.  The back wall had no windows.  It had a fireplace, and stairs behind that going up to the 2nd floor where the bedroom, etc was.  I was in the living room, working on some sort of crafting stuff.  I had green moss (like from a model train store or something, I guess?) strewn about allllll over the place.  Like tons of it.  I was listening to music while I was trying to work (no idea wtf I was doing), but people kept interrupting me.  Someone was telling me over and over that they had moved me to the "modern line" at work, so things would be slightly different.  I have no idea what that even means.

I know it had a lot more details, but that's all I kept.

Nothing else today.
Yesterday was just the same as anything.

Sometimes I wish I could just stay...

Jul. 11th, 2017 07:07 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace

Last night I had a dream that I had been arrested.  Again.  In the dream, it was "again".  I have never been arrested before in the real world.  I'm not sure what was going on, but I was on some sort of action movie rampage, and people were shooting all over, only no one was getting hurt.  They came to get me, and I snatched up a gun with like a hundred bullets in it, and emptied it into the neck of some guy who was after me, and he just kind of calmly accepted that.  Then the cops came and very politely and respectfully took me away.  They made me change clothes, but they didn't take my helmet away from me, or book me to learn who I was.  

So, my helmet was like a full head thing, with some sort of HUD and PA  / EVR thing, kind of like how Iron Man sees the world.  I had it send my mom a message to let her know what was going on, while I started working on a way to get out of there.

There was more to that one, and a lot of details, but that's about all I can remember.

Later, my next dream, my family ran some sort of general store / train station / post office sort of thing.  I guess that might be how it was in the wild west or something.  I remember taking a call from someone expecting a package on the trail later that day, but they couldn't give me enough info to be helpful.  We sold a variety of different swords, all styles and sizes.  We sold monkeys and birds and a lot of different "anti-monster supplies" like glow in the dark tooth-brushes that would stop the monsters from ever being able to enter your bathroom.  Most of the birds, and some of the monkeys could talk.  Cam was moving away to embark on some sort of internship, and Eric was taking over the pets division of the outfit.  He was really good at talking to the animals.

That one was very detailed, and in spite of how it sounds, was also somehow very realistic.

I don't even remember any details about last night.  I don't think there were any issues, but frankly, I'm not sure that I could tell you either way.  Sometimes it's like that.  I get detached and a numbness settles over and I just don't care.  My backup plan is 'die old and alone under a pile of books, and eaten by my 40 cats I will collect up", so it feels like there's no point in really making any changes, unless it gets to a breaking point.  Who cares anyhow?  It's never really been what it should, at any point in my life, no reason to have expectations now.  Or for the future.

There's no point in having dreams, because I always wake up from them.

"We all got a train to catch..."

Jul. 10th, 2017 07:06 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Had a weird series of dreams last night.
At first, I was on a weird train platform / subway station with my mom, and my GF.  We were rushing to try to get to a train, but we had to shove through tons and tons of elementary school kids who were in the way.  We finally got past them, and my mom made it on the train, but the doors closed right after her, and we were unable to get on.  We were going to have to wait for the next one.  As we waited, my GF gave me a gift.  It was some sort of media, but not like a CD or a DVD.  I mean it was similar, but it was a vague thing that doesn't actually exist.  I viewed it, and saw like a hidden track, or a hidden file or something.  When it was played,  I saw a thing sort of like a movie, and also, certain parts of my relationship with reality were altered at the same time.  I remember footage of a girl playing a small guitar / ukulele type thing, and her right hand had the fingers arranged on it like a central ball, with the fingers coming out of it radially, like the spokes on a wheel, or like legs on a spider.  It was impossible to tell if I was watching a video, or having an experience, or having a memory of something that had happened before.

Suddenly, I was crouching on the floor of the train station, but everything was dark and shadowy.  My GF was standing over me, trying to help me, but I was crying because in my reality, she was a rotten corpse, and all the shadows were closing in.  From there, the scene kept shifting in that same way where I couldn't tell what was real / memory / recorded, and it was a rapid fire series of different horrific scenes, and I am not remembering them very well, but they were all very detailed, and there was at least 6 of them, and they were all unrelated.  On some level, I was aware of them not being real, but I was still trapped in them and trying to understand.  They all had themes revolving around the concept of 'damnation'.  I woke up fighting and crying out at least once, but when I fell back asleep, I went back into the over all scenario.
  That went on until my alarm went off.

Saw Spiderman on Saturday.  I really want to see it again.  Any complaints I would have would be fairly minimal at worst.  I am excited to see more of the series, and what they do next.

Aside from that, it was a pretty empty weekend.  Dealt with at least 2 rounds of total nonsense.  This shit saps my energy and makes me useless for getting anything done in life.  

I guess I am the world's biggest idiot, lifetime achievement award.
Three lifetimes running.

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