instantkarmma: (zedd)
[personal profile] instantkarmma
I got my disability review paperwork in the mail a couple weeks ago. I've been staring at it like it's trying to kill me since then. I kind of feel like it *is* trying to kill me. It's a totally routine thing, everyone who gets disability benefits is on a review cycle. Alice says it's a 3, 5, or 7 year cycle (I think) and I could have sworn I have done it at least once before but I've only had benefits for 4 years. My diagnosis was 6 years ago though so maybe I'm on a 3 year cycle and they started on my diagnosis date and that's why I think I've done it before? Anyway, they sent me the long form which I of course took as some crazy sign that they are terminating my benefits and I'm going to have to move or try to get a job which I will lose as soon as a flare which won't take long because OMG SO MUCH STRESS RIGHT NOW. I forced myself to fill it out tonight so I can mail it tomorrow so my benefits don't get terminated for neglecting to return my forms before the due date. But I'm terrified. I'm 150% terrified. Alice assured me it's all routine and I know she's right and was like "OK, it's all routine. I don't have to worry, it doesn't mean they are terminating my benefits" and she says "well, there's always a *chance* but yes everyone has to do this. Just fill out your forms HONESTLY. Not 'I'm mel & I'm stubborn as Hell and I can handle this, whatever!' but 'I have insomnia and vertigo and I still can't put on my own bra and my drugs make me nauseous and I haven't shaved my legs since October because I can't hold a razor" which was one of those "you're 100% correct, quit knowing me so f*cking well" moments. Still terrified.

Paul and I joined a gym again this past weekend. It was cheaper than I thought and their pool is nice and doesn't allow children so I was sold. We signed up yesterday after using our trial pass and Paul actually gives a damn about using the whole gym and improving health and such so the girl signed him up for the free personal trainer assessment. She asked me and I said "Nope. Crippled. Just here for the pool" but now some trainer is calling me and I know I'm going to have to either answer the phone or tell this person in person "Hi, I have Rupus. I'm not gonna get better. I eat just fine, I've seen nutritionists. But between my disability and all the drugs to treat said disability my body resists any kind of change like weight loss and in some cases actively fights it. Please don't try to talk me into some program that's just going to make me feel like a goddamn failure for not meeting your goals. My one and only goal is to get in the pool and try to be comfortable for a while. Weight loss is not my goal. Fitness is not my goal. Please leave me alone." Paul and I had a discussion about it at dinner after going in to get the tour/trial pass thing. I told him how hard it is to try and set any goal because I never know what I'll be capable of on any given day until I get up so any time I try to be like "I'm going to do X 3 times a week!" I feel like a pretty instant failure. He suggested just making the goal "when I get out of bed and I find I have the energy, I'm going to commit to swimming that day" which I think will work. And we touched on the whole personal trainer assumptions about my health that I knew were coming (thanks for proving me right, answering machine! LOL) and he's like "Hello, black guy here. I know all about people making assumptions on the basis of how you look. I'm perfectly suited to understand you right now" and of course he's right, it was just funny to hear him say. I made it through 5 laps with my little kickboard yesterday and I'm not dead today so I'm cautiously optimistic...
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