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Spent the weekend agonizing over a friend who I knew damn well was suicidal (he admitted as much) but he's in California so it's not as though I could hold his hand through it. Then he makes a very odd facebook post and disappears. I made sure he had my cell number and slept with my phone two inches from my head. Turns out he's living in his bus and doesn't have a phone but can tap the neighbor's wi-fi. So he got in touch Monday and things seem to be evening out for him. Honestly, I haven't seen this kid since high school. He was two years behind me and I was friends with his older brother but he was like "I remember you from Kyle's parties" And it was another one of those "oh crap, I had forgotten all about X!" Like when Sean tried to convince me I went skinny-dipping in high school with a group of people and I was like "BULL. I never went skinny-dipping" Then I was talking to Lynne and she was like "remember the time we went skinny-dipping at Steel Lake with X & Y? And we were on opposite sides of the dock but before we really got in the water that cop car went by and we freaked and jumped back in your car?" and I thought "OMG, that happened!" To be fair, it wasn't with Sean in the group he was thinking of so at least I wasn't wrong there :)

But back to this weekend. Paul said "You should be a counselor, you're good at it" and I told him "I AM a counselor..." "Well you should do it like for a job though!" And I reminded him we talked about it last time I pulled a friend off the ledge (so to speak) and both he and Alice said "You would be great at that, but don't!" because I will lose someone and I doubt I can handle that. If I wanted to do a private practice-type thing though, you cannot bill insurance unless you have a Master's degree and there's no way in Hell I'm going back to school for my MSW. Maybe it was just the BSW program I was in, but that kind of tedium is not my jam. I had my counselor's license when I worked at CSTC though, but I'm pretty sure I had to state where I worked on the application so I'm not sure I can get one for private practice. It's all a moot point for the moment though, I'm still way too shaken up to consider anything. For crying out loud, if you're having these feelings how about you come to me before they get so bad? Ugh, my brain hurts. My heart hurts.

Date: 2015-08-06 05:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rhiannon76.livejournal.com
I hope you get to decompress from worrying about your friend this week, and I'm glad things are going better for him.

I have so much respect for people who go into counseling, but I could never do it. It seems like it would require a really high degree of compartmentalization to deal with so much pain all the time and not let it affect one's own life.

Date: 2015-08-10 01:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] instantkarmma.livejournal.com
I did my best not to flip out on him when he got back in touch & we've been chatting throughout the week. I feel like he's over the hump and the future is looking a bit clearer. I also used our bonding over Italian sports cars (of all things, right?) to bring my dad into the conversation and have dad give him some legal advice.

It does, and if I go back to work I need to work on leaving work at work. That's always been a struggle for me. As much as I feel like I could be effective at suicide prevention (and if you know someone, don't hesitate to send them my way) I think it would be too hard on me personally in the long run. The one thing I felt I really excelled at was grief support and I think that's because you're not trying to "fix" anything, you're really teaching someone how to live with the new normal.

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