Jun. 19th, 2017

instantkarmma: (*sigh*)
I have been depression's bitch lately. I know part of it is that during this latest bout of "Paul gets a cold, mel gets walking pneumonia" I was *not* Johnny-on-the-spot with my daily meds and that's certainly a contributing factor but I remember last year at this time I had a bit of a breakdown. I don't know if it is that knowledge that is pushing this struggle or if there's something else I haven't identified yet. I thought today maybe I have some reverse form of seasonal affective disorder. Most people get it during the grey and gloom, I get it when the sun comes out and the weather gets warm. We went to James' graduation Friday and it was outside at Cheney Stadium and it started at 10 goddamn 30 in the morning. Thankfully it's 5 minutes from our house. But we're standing in line on a grey but bright day and Paul says "Are you...squinting? My God, you really are my little vampire!" And yeah I went on to burn on a cloudy, drizzly day. I don't remember my graduation from UWT being so long but that could be because *I* was graduating or our class was smaller but OMG 4 speakers, plus the president/dean and nearly 1000 graduates. Sitting in a stadium seat for over 3 hours was not kind to my body but it was worth it to be there for James. He was really excited for Paul & I to be there so how can you say no to that even when it means getting up at 9:30 in the freaking morning? Afterward we went out to lunch and Kyra met us there. She's been a friend of the family for I don't even remember how long. But toward the end of lunch she asked me how work was & I had to remind her that I hadn't been able to work in years thanks to Rupus. It could be that it hasn't come up the last few times I've seen her or maybe she forgot or whatever but it kind of hit a nerve. One of the speakers talked about not letting some setback keep you from pursuing your dream or career and it had me fooled for the day thinking "I *could* find something, stupid Rupus shouldn't hold me back!!!" Then I spent the rest of that day and the next day drugged up on the sofa because my skin got pink and my body is an effing trainwreck. And in August I turn FORTY. I need a vacation.


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